THE Daily Telegraph carries a very close relationship with Santa Claus and so on the eve of Christmas the large man in red has asked us to pass through on the message to every girl and boy. He also features a message to the adults available also.
Through the crayons towards the texts i find it hard to decipher, I tell you, I read all of letters from santa claus. It gladdens my heart.
Although you may still find many that don’t write for me much anymore _ too busy I realize, plus there isn’t a decent app for that.
We have, however, been gathering some decent ‘gift intel’ by combing your Instagram, Facebook and Internet search data. Don’t worry Malcolm, I’ll teach you to achieve that later.
Anyways, I’m type of indebted to hashtags like #wishlist and #stockingstuffers and #bucketlist. They certainly help it become easy, kids these days; taking out the middle man. I concede, I may have gotten just a little sidetracked searching #ThingsNotToDoAtChristmasParty which helped me cough and splutter a feeling. But seriously folks, instantly to the naughty list. Ho, ho, ho.
Now kids, you might notice a number of changes with Santa this season. Against my wishes, mind you. Although the old red trousers are as loose because the ABC Budget.
You see Mrs Claus has become forcing me on this Paleo diet business. Seems that Pete Evans fella reached her too! Not too he’s a pain to handle. All he ever asks me for can be a bag of nuts (activated, needless to say) and several fake tan.
Presently there is definitely not fake about this girl Jacqui Lambie. Well, maybe the botox. And perhaps her pledges of party loyalty. And … but anyway, we were in close proximity to aborting this Christmas mission as a consequence of Jacqui. We might only get clearance to land, in line with the Senator, if I brought some funds for your soldiers. And I Also thought it was the soldiers which had the guns!
It doesn’t matter how many Greenie leaflets and Change.org petitions are shipped to the North Pole, I won’t alter my ways. Boys, I hear constantly, want Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Nerf guns. And girls plead with me for Frozen dresses and Monster Hill dolls. You don’t mess with that gender stuff. Trust me, I’ve been carrying this out for some time.
Talking about gender distinctions, it really is, may I only say, wonderful to be arriving back in Sydney now that I have numerous kindred spirits. I’ve told Mrs Claus many a period of time that long beards would a day be cool again. Now could be our time, bearded brothers. Now is our time!
Not too Mrs Claus and i also would ever make Sydney our home, just as much as we adore its charm, its mighty fine looks, and Lara Bingle’s antics. It’s exactly that $1 million buys a hell of a great deal of North Pole snow. So far as my eyes, albeit ever fading, are able to see. Inside your sparkling city, it either buys a tiny bag of Eastern Suburbs ‘snow’ or a half an auto space in Paddington, and only then if you know the agent. (see naughty list).
Plus I’ve delivered lots of favours in my time for you to not attract those savvy ICAC investigators. They might be across old Santa similar to a randy reindeer.
The Treasurer, Joseph. His prices are as wild, untamed and ridiculous as RedFoo’s hair and filmclips. He pleads with me for intervention, but geez pal, I deliver Christmas gifts, not perform miracles.
Once again there exists Clover Moore, whose campaign to turn Sydney’s streets in a car-less utopia continues unabated by small things, like popular opinion. That little rascal, hasn’t she heard I purchased a Jeep!
And because there is way too many people to name, I’ve grouped other prominent naughty listers into one category. NRL Footballers.
It appears to be I purchased it wrong last 44dexspky when a lot of players requested tablets. Thought they merely wanted iPads, or Kindles.
Then Santa’s little helpers go and send me a YouTube clip that taught me to choke on my rare seal steak. I mean, if you seriously desire to kill some germs inside your mouth, you’d gargle Listerine, right?
Because after the morning, it’s you kids that will get me excited as i think of New South Wales.
All your wondrous expectations, plus your thankful grins on Christmas morn.
Sure, there will be lots of gifts, as always. But first and foremost, this season I give you something more important than any toy in the world; something you can’t possibly easily fit in a stocking, something to alleviate the pain of the troublesome spate of terror and tragedy.